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Sid Waddell

The voice of darts

Dart Players have come to love Sid Waddell for his commentary on darts, but he is best remembered for his famous one-liners. Sid said that all the one lines were unrehearsed, unscripted and unprepared in both senses of the word.

The producer at the British Broadcasting Centre (BBC) reprimanded Sid for getting Moses, Rod Stewart and Ivanhoe all in five minutes of commentary. But the BBC bosses loved his commentary and they ordered the producers to give Sid free rein. The press, however, were split about Sid's commentary. Sid said "50% think I’m a genius; rest think I’m probably mad and possibly have Tourette’s Syndrome"

Giles Smith in The Times said, "Sid is lucky to be alive in the era of Taylor, and we are lucky to be alive in the era of Sid."
Judge for yourself, below are a number of his famous sayings. I have listed my favourites and recorded others by approximate year order. if you know of any more please let me know.

Sid was not just a commentator for darts but also for Pool. He was an established novelist and writer of a number of dart books.

Sid was a one-off and is sadly missed. If you are of an age that missed the man in full flow, Google and watch him on YouTube.

The PDC World Darts Trophy was renamed after Sid. A fitting honour to a man that gave many a darts fans a smile with his off the cuff remarks.

 

 

My favourites

  • "This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."
  • "He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."
  • "That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank"
  • "Steve Beaton - The Adonis of darts, what poise, what elegance - a true roman gladiator with plenty of hair wax."
  • "The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in ,with a portion of chips..... you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"
  • "Look at the man go, its like trying to stop a water buffalo with a pea-shooter"
  • "He may practice 12 hours a day, but he's not shy of the burger van!"
  • "He's as cool as a prized marrow!"
  • "Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength."
  • "Keith Deller is like Long John Silver - he's badly in need of another leg."
  • "Cliff Lazarenko's jumping up and down like a gorilla saying "give me back my banana!"
  • "Bristow reasons . . . Bristow quickens ... Aaah, Bristow."
  • "It's just like taking a sausage from a boy in a wheelchair."
  • "As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."
  • "The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"
  • "That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"
  • "Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."
  • "Jockey Wilson . . . What an athlete!”
  • "He's about as predictable as a wasp on speed"
  • "If you're round your auntie's tonight, tell her to stop making the cookie's and come thru to the living room and watch these two amazing athletes beat the proverbial house out of each other"
  • "It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."
  • "It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline"
  • "Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out"
  • "His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch"
  • "That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."
  • "Under that heart of stone beat muscles of pure flint."
  • "He is as slick as minestrone soup"
  • "There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians to the Lions."
  • "John Lowe is striding out like Alexander the Great conquering the Persians"
  • "There's only one word for that - magic darts!"
  • "Keith Deller's not just an underdog, he's an underpuppy!"
  • "I don't know what he's had for breakfast but Taylor knocked the Snap, Crackle and Pop outta Bristow"
  • "When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer....Bristow's only 27."
  • "Eat your heart out Harold Pinter, we've got drama with a capital D in Essex."
  • "If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home."
  • "He's playing out of his pie crust."
  • "They won't just have to play outta their skin to beat Phil Taylor. They'll have to play outta their essence!"
  • "Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame".
  • "He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham super league"
  • "Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts orbit!"
  • "The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu."
  • "Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a choo-choo train!"
  • "He's like D'Artagnan at the scissor factory."
  • "Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's The Donis"
  • “His face is sagging with tension.”
  • “The fans now, with their eyes pierced on the dart board.”
  • “He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends.”
  • "He's going like the Loch Ness Monster with a following wind!"
  • "Eyes like a pterodactyl....with contact lenses"
  • "He's got three legs under his belt and he's running away with the match!"
  • "Its like giving Billy Bunter the the key to your pantry door"
  • "I can only sum that up in one word - world-class darts"
  • "Even the crumpet knows that's not good enough "
  • "They're showing Shakespeare's Othello over on BBC1 but if you want real drama tonight, get down here to Jollies, Stoke-on-Trent"
  • "Tell Mrs Dellar not to bother putting the chips on, because Keith won't be home for his tea tonight"
  • "His physiognomy is that of a weeping Madonna."
  • "You couldn't get more excitement here if Elvis Presley walked in eating a chip sandwich!"
  • "He's playing out of his pie crust."
  • "Here's Baxter doing a cock-a-leaky soup job on Ovens!"
  • "The pendulum swinging back and forth like a metronome"
  • "They won't just have to play outta their skin to beat Phil Taylor. They'll have to play outta their essence!"
  • "There's no one quicker than these two tungsten tossers"
  • "He's planting those arrows with the accuracy of a couple of inter-continental ballistic missiles."
  • "Bob Anderson ... looking like Lee van Cleef on a bad night!"
  • "Painter's not bothering with an undercoat… he's gone straight to gloss!"
  • "That's quality with a capital K."
  • "If you had to throw a knife at your wife in a circus, you'd want to throw it like that."
  • "Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles."
  • "William Tell could take out an apple your head, Taylor could take out a processed pea."
  • "Circus Tavern packed — even a garter snake smothered in Vaseline couldn't slide in here."

 

 

Some of Sid's the other quotes

  • "Rees didn’t know of he was having a shower, a shave - or washing his feet."

1979

  • "It’s the kind of jousting we used to see when Ivanhoe was stuffing the Normans.".
  • "Tony Brown attacks opponents the way Desperate Dan takes on cow pie."
  • "When John Lowe gets back to Clay Cross there’ll be a reception as if the Ayatollah Khomeni had walked into town."

1980

  • "The atmosphere here is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Coliseum at Rome when then Christians were on the menu."

1981

  • "Only one word for that - magic darts."
  • "He’s sweating like a swamp donkey."
  • "Bobby is done up like an electric-purple liquorice allsort."
  • "The pendulum is swinging back and forward like a metronome."
  • "Jocky Wilson - all the psychology of a claymore."
  • "If Cliff gets back in this, it will be the greatest comeback since Lazarus."

1982

  • "Cliff Lazarenko’s idea of exercise is a firm press on a soda siphon."
  • "Three 140s on the trot - and the last was 100!"
  • "He’s been burning the midnight oil at both ends."
  • "The fans now with their eyes pierced on the dartboard."

1983

  • "Seeds are falling like chaff in a cornfield."
  • "Bristow looks as peevish as a peckish pterodacty.l"

1984

  • "Dennis Ovens has goosed the cook."
  • "Bristow with that little finger poised - fit to grace any garden party."
  • "Top of the tree darts - with leaves on."

1985

  • "You’ve got to be fit to play darts."
  • "If Brissy was at Cape Canaveral he’d take off before the rocket. IN…"
  • "When Alexander of Macedonia was 33 he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer - Bristow is only 27!"
  • "As Freud and Jung would no doubt agree, you can over-psych for a darts match."
  • "The crowd at Jollees is sitting on the edge of their tenterhooks."

1986

  • "John Lowe is going out faster than the Secretary of State for Trade and Industry."
  • "The hands of Anderson weave their own fairytale - things look Grimm for the other bloke."

1992

  • "Taylor is snapping at Gregory’s heels like an alligator with toothache."

1993

  • "Anderson came on like the Laughing Cavalier - now he looks as narked as Lee Van Cleef on a bad night."
  • "This final is literally turning into a Greek tragedy for the Lancastrian Warriner."
  • "The crème de la menthe of darts doing their thing in Blackpool."
  • "Jocky is going like the Loch Ness monster with a following wind."
  • "Shane is as happy as hound dog who’s won a year’s supply of Bonio."
  • "William Tell could take an apple off your head, Taylor could take out a processed pea."

1995

  • "Under that heart of stone beat muscles of pure flint."
  • "Cliff is off and looking for something yellow in a tall glass - and I don’t mean daffodils".

1996

  • "Bristow’s affect on the audience like Rasputin used to have on the birds a long time ago."
  • "Eric’s chops covered in lipstick - like he’d been mugged by an Avon lady."

1997

  • "Hitting that bull - as good a feeling as Jason and the lads finding the fleece."
  • "Deller is just like Long John Silver - desperately needs another leg."
  • "You have got to have a mind like a pelican chip to maintain this mathematical consistency."
  • "Taylor is so hot he could hit the bullseye standing one-legged in a hammock."
  • "As they say at the DHSS we’re getting the full benefit here."
  • "Dennis’ eyes bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch."
  • "It might have been a bit boisterous here earlier, but now it’s got all the courtesy of a Bourbon court on dance night."
  • "It’s like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline"
  • "Stopping Taylor? It’s like trying to halt a water buffalo with a pea-shooter."
  • "Steve Beaton. He’s not A-donis, he’s THE Donis."
  • "That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble".
  • "The players are under so much duress, it’s like Duressic Park out there."

2004

  • Andy Fordham looks like a hippo in a Power shower".

2005

  • "Circus Tavern packed - even a garter snake smothered in Vaseline couldn’t slide in here."
  • "Meeting Taylor in this mood is like finding an alligator in your lily pond."
  • "Wayne dancing up there like Frank Lampard swivelling past Spaniards."
  • "Michael Howard throws Flights out of his party - at this party we throw the flights in".

2005 - 2008

  • "If you had to throw a knife at the wife in the Circus, this is the lad you’d want chucking."
  • "Painter forgetting the undercoat – going straight to gloss."
  • "Live like a monk, practise like as Trojan, perform like a champion"
  • "He’s putting trouser where his mouth’s always been."
  • "As Schaden said to Freude in a bier keller – there’s a difference between respect and fear"
  • "Taylor as sick as a chip in molten fat."
  • "He’s finding that lipstick as sweet as Valentino on the rampage."
  • "Has he overdone the hair gel or is that pure tension?"
  • "He’s singing with the tungsten tonight."
  • "Mason started like a drain, now he’s flowing like the North Hertfordshire Navigation."
  • "Four legs on the trot – this is Strictly Come Darting."

2008-2009

  • "She has the eyes of a Siberian sea eagle."
  • "Anastasia has torn down a Tungsten Iron Curtain."
  • "He has the air of a master who’d rather give you six of the best than detention."
  • "Van Gerwen - balanced like a green stork with a gammy leg."
  • "I’m calling the Pole Chuck, as in Coronation Street."
  • "Intense? He’s more intense than a Bedouin tribe."
  • "Playing Taylor is like eating candy floss in a wind tunnel."
  • "He’s the Captain Bligh of cruise control."
  • "When you fight against Ivanhoe you bring you sharpest sword."
  • "I’m not Copernicus, but I reckon the planets will be in Taylor’s favour."
  • "Taylor’s maths could improve Fermat’s last theorem."

Sid Waddell 1940-2012

 

 

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